I'm No Gandalf

Once in a while, we begrudgingly make the trek up the Van Wyck Expressway to Babies r Us. It's a place I don't really like going, especially on a weekend, being nestled with a BJ's, Target, etc, making the approach and parking situation quite heinous. Sometimes we have no other choice when we need something very specific. This past Sunday was one of those times. We needed to buy nipples for Medela bottles and have yet to see them sold anywhere else. Luckily, we're seasoned veterans and don't need to speak to any of the clueless staff. Really, you'd think they'd hire someone who had a basic knowledge of anything they were selling. An abundance of choice tends to paralyze the average consumer, paired with the fact that new parents and parents-to-be are typically brain dead. When faced with 27 brands of car seats, sometimes you want to speak to a sales person.

Like the new Trader Joe's that opened around the corner from us (YES!), it's virtually impossible to leave Babies r Us once you find what you went there for. After all, you wrestled your way into the place. It'd be a shame to wait on line just for nipples. So while Mama was looking at hats on sale, the wee and I abused the furniture. Alina wanted to get into every crib and play with the mobiles, jump around. I was hoping someone would yell at us, as I was in the mood to win an argument. Alas, no one challenged. Ho hum. I've never been a particularly rowdy or disrespectful person, but I'm finding that being parent has made less inclined to placate the general public.

I felt like an elder statesman seeing all the pale-faced, shell shocked, bewildered people roaming the canyon-like aisles. I was them once. Some were pregnant, some had infants, all looked mildly terrified. Did I impart my Wisdom onto these draftees? Nope, that's their journey. And besides, a parent's unsolicited opinion is a big pet peeve of mine. Alas, there is no Oracle when it comes to baby consumer products (especially not in Babies r Us), so one's source of knowledge is usually other parents. So, I just sit back and watch the mayhem. I watch the woman who can't choose between angled bottles and Dr. Brown's ones that allegedly prevent spitting up. I see the couple argue about a swing that doesn't allow side-to-side motion and back-and-forth. I examine the Auntie that flips through every book on the shelf to find the one that will make her niece a genius. Then there's the Dad who is testing the infant mattresses to see which one is more comfortable. Okay, Ready?

- Dr. Browns doesn't do shit and they're really hard to clean
- Your kid may not even like swings in the first place
- It's not the book, it's how often you read to them
- Your kid weighs less than you, Mr. Mattress tester

Of course, my self aggrandizing attitude towards new parents is limited to just new parents. Someone with a couple of 10-year olds probably looks at me the same way, thinking, "Dude, you have no idea."