More Bodily Functions

I put a diaper on a stuffed monkey the other day. I think I did all right. Of course, the real thing will be slightly different. The last time I actually changed a diaper was 1989. It took 30 minutes and it was like this darling child's anus said "I don't know, I'm feeling like chunky pea soup today." I think a garden hose would've been faster. Little wipes just weren't doing the trick. I'm sure I'll have plenty of diaper war stories in the months to come though.

Katrina has gained a total of 12 pounds so far. This is the only time in my life where I can ask, "Honey, how many pounds have you put on?" and she answers me happily. "Thank God I still have my ass," she says. Unfortunately her heartburn is getting out of control. She has it pretty much 24/7 now and has drank so much Maalox that Alina is going to smell vaguely of mint when she comes out. It has gotten so bad that she's considering going on some kind of esophageal healing medication when it's safe to do so. Instead of lying there thinking about the hot poker in her throat, Katrina has taken to reading children's books aloud when she's in bed. It's supposed to get the baby used to your voice. While she was doing it recently Alina got hiccups. They're much faster than ours and, of course, when they happened we were all get the book, get the book just to make sure that was normal. It's not like we can pat her on the back, scare her, make her drink through a napkin or hold her breath. By the way, that napkin trick works every time if you do it right. It's probably the most useful thing I took away from Sophomore English. The teacher was full of bartender tips like that.