Lamazarific

We had the crash lamaze course this past Saturday and Sunday. It was definitely more involved than I thought it would be. Before Friday, everything I knew about lamaze I learned from Bill Cosby in 1982. Turns out things have changed. It's not just huffing and puffing anymore. It's way more advanced! You watch VHS tapes of new mothers wearing acid washed denim jackets with shoulder pads (and matching pants). Aside from that amusing antiquity, the nurse who runs it goes into more detail than most men in the room would care to hear. And of course there's the live birth videos. Yum.

There were about 8 couples of all types in the class. We had the bald guy who stroked and played with his wife's hair for the entire duration, the couple with the doctor who knew everything (used words like "aspirate" instead of inhale, the brown nosers, the sleeping husband, the ones who clearly feared their parents, and the woman (guess who) who kept asking for bathroom breaks.

But they do cover everything, basically minute by minute (placenta anyone? It'll be out soon!). One important thing I learned is that Hollywood lies. They say for the first child, labor takes on average about 24 hours. So, the rushing to the hospital and giving birth in taxicabs is all hooey. And to think, I was concerned about being sober on my 30th birthday in case Alina comes early. They also covered postpartum depression, kegels (ewwww), exercises to help with back pain and heartburn, and how not providing juice or water at a free lamaze breakfast was taking your life in your hands.

See, they won't let you in the delivery room unless you have a lamaze certificate. So although I was forced to be there by the hospital I'm still glad I went. We got a tour of the high security in the antepartum unit that prevents baby stealing. We perused the delivery rooms with bright theater lighting in case a baby wants to give a soliloquy. We put our noses to the glass and peered inside the nursery where they keep all the new bundles. Luckily, our instructor had all kinds of helpful tips like, "When you go to the nursery, steal everything in that drawer over there. They refill it anyway." But she was informative in many physiological and psychological areas too. At one point, I was used as an example to show the women what position they'll have to put themselves in during the last stage of labor. She stuffed two pillows in my shirt, made me lie on my back, held one leg in the air, and had me do the hee hee hee hoo hoo hoo breathing. Amusing in practice. They left out the part where Katrina grabs the back of my hair and screams

"You did this to me, you sonovabitch! Blaaaaarrrrrggghh!"