My Infant Can Beat Up Your Infant

What do I look like to you? Some guy who has all the time in the world that he can just sit down at the computer and jovially thwack away at the keyboard whenever the mood strikes? People tell me to blog more. Maybe that the Olympics are over I'll find more time.

Needless to say, the two-child household is a very busy place. Baby clothes in varying sizes take forever to fold. Evie is not a big fan of being placed horizontally so someone is always conveying our little dependent in some fashion. She's also brutally strong, almost frighteningly so. She was lifting her head up from lying on her tummy at 3 weeks and rolling from side to side - occasionally going completely over. I was kinda looking forward to that carefree period where you could put a kid down on the mattress and go brush your teeth. There was a comfort in knowing there was a guarantee that they'd still be in the same spot when you got back. But this one already moves. That, and you never know when Alina will "help" Evie by putting a blanket over her face. Even the pediatrician was aghast at her strength. At the 4-week appointment, they basically knock them around a bit, pull them up by the hands while they're on their back to see if their head flops and hold them up in the air like Superman to see how their bodies react. When the doctor first did this with Alina, our immediate reaction was to put a hand under her head or give an assist. Our nebbishy Jackie Mason-esque doctor would say, "I'm testing her reflexes, not yours." With Evie's exam, he commented, "I don't know what you're feeding her, but you should bottle it and sell it." I too noticed this obscene strength when I would try and move her hands to put a shirt on. It was like arm wrestling and she was winning. So, Katrina's Max Ultra Performance Robo-Juice is going for $24.99 a pint.

Here's a picture for the packaging:

Home Is Where The Hypertension Is

Thought I'd digest being a father of two girls for a couple of weeks before writing anything down. That turned out to be a mistake because I have no mental energy. More on that later.

They wanted us there at 5:15am. That's Really Early. We brought Bagels for the staff. That was like gold. The staff was lovin up on us somthing fierce. I highly recommend it to anyone getting a 7am c-section ..... or any early morning surgery. I wore a blue scrubs suit that made me look like Neo-Natal Devo.


Notice the slits where my pockets are. I needed access to digital camera, phone, camera phone, tips for the surgeons, switchblade (in case they needed me to assist), etc. While I waited and paced around the recovery room while they prepped Katrina in the O.R., I busied myself by adjusting the lighting. I knew I would get the baby while they sewed Mamma back up. And I needed optimal conditions for documentation. They made me sit in a chair and not move, near Katrina's head. Turns out they not only would refuse my help, but they didn't want me to see them loose sponges or take out the wrong baby. I had to stay behind the curtain draped on Katrina's neck. OBs must get sued a lot.

Slice. Baby.

Look! A girl! Think how much we'll save on old clothes. If it was a boy, it'd be wearing pink onesies with the word "Boy" written across the chest in black sharpie. I had a pretty good feeling it was a girl. So much so, that I had pre-written the text message I was going to send out. I was fairly sure after one of the ultrasounds. Also, there was that one time that a nurse slipped and tried to cover it up a couple of months agao: "I'm sure she .... or HE or IT will be just fine." Apparently I was the only one who noticed. Evelyn wasn't 5 minutes old before they asked us if we wanted her to get a Hepatitis B shot. They luvvvv giving babies shots these days. We opted to wait for the pediatrician visit. It seems to me a number of other diseases were more likely to be contracted in a hospital setting, but what do I know.

She came out rather annoyed looking. Who could blame her? The doctor told us she squirmed out of their grasp a couple of times before they could fish her out. I took about 40 pictures of her in the operating room and had trouble finding one where she didn't look like a grumpy old man. Like this:

Never let it be said that I only put cute pictures up on here. Since we've only had c-sections, I haven't seen the squished head forceps baby thing yet. I hear they're very unphotogenic.

Alina couldn't visit because she had snot rockets. She picked up a cold literally the day before the surgery, so she was apart from mother and sister for 4 days. But, when she finally was able to visit, - VIDEO - CLICK ME - something awfully cute happened.


I forgot how small infants are. I have a chicken in my fridge that weighs more than my daughter. Now Alina feels huge. But Evie is a great eater - she came out hungry and hasn't stopped. At one point during her first week, she latched onto Mamma's udders for 2.5 hours. Katrina wasn't ready for that. She remarked, "She's using me as a pacifier!" Sometimes Evie would have trouble latching on. After meeting with a lactation consultant, it was discovered that our newest arrival has a skill that a breastfeeding coach with 30 years of experience had never seen before: She can roll her tongue both ways onto its side. I guess she'll be winning a lot of cherry stem tying contests in high school. So, we have that to look forward to.

After checking them out of the hospital in our two-carseat vehicle, Evie slept for about 22 hours the first day she was home. All of a sudden I was taking care of three people instead of one and was confounded by the amount of garbage we were producing. So far, there have been very few assassination attempts by big sister. If anything, she will kill her with kindness, aka a really big hug that snaps her in two. Alina mostly wants to give her kisses on the head, but will occasionally snuggle with a bit too much vigor. That, and she keeps whacking Katrina's c-section scar. I continually tell Katrina to brush up on her wax on, wax off to deflect incoming toddlers. But, she'll need more time with Mr. Miyagi to perfect it.