Up To Speed

I plan to get better at blogging. I have more time on my hands now. More on that later. Until then, here are some ruminations and babblings from around the online world that I've put out.

• Alina got me a beer from the fridge for the first time and it's on St. Patrick's Day!! She's enabling at a sixth grade level.
• I am being offered genetic counseling through my heath plan to see what horrible diseases I might get. What an awful idea.
• I am full of sushi and regret.
• Alina thinks putting yougurt on our seedlings will make them grow. I disagree, but she's helming this experiment.
• Swear words really lose their punch when you have to spell them out loud instead of saying them. Earmuffs!
• One week until Florida. Two weeks until Wife ends maternity leave. Three weeks until we fire the babysitter.
• Having trouble explaining to the toddler that there are no fairies on the Staten Island Ferry.
  
• Just made my browser block FoxNews.com, RushLimbaugh.com, & GlennBeck.com for when my Republican father babysits during the day.
  
• Wondering if the kids will drink nighttime Tylenol in a sippy cup just before the flight tomorrow.
  
• I have nothing nice to say about Northwest Airlines so I'm not going to say anything at all .... except that they can suck the sweat off a dead man's balls.
  
• Liked the sun, surf, and sand but will miss having our hotel's 2nd bathroom most of all.
• We're concerned about the Cheez Whiz content of that 7 Eleven gasoline we just purchased in FL.
  
• I have misplaced the only thermometer that hasn't been in someone's butt.
  
• Bravo Mets. Way to maximize the use of that boring exterior stadium wall with megalith billboards. Bob's Discount Furniture?
  
• I just used a men's room with an infant strapped to his chest. That was interesting. Can't really see where you're aiming. You just have to believe! There is no spoon!
  
• I'm wondering if this blatant bribery to the toddler for using the potty will backfire.
  
• Hate that I haven't been able to kick this cough, but love that I sound like Barry White.
• I wish the words "preschool" and "tuition" were never in the same sentence.
  
• I'm amused that every time a rapper gets arrested, the news makes a point of saying their real name. "Killa X, whose real name is Clarence Higgenbottom, was arraigned....."
  
• I have walking pneumonia!
  
• 9-month old is furniture walking and our 3-year old just said "Fuck". Where does the time go?
  
• I'm torn. The more obnoxious my 3-year old is, the funnier the 10-month old finds her. I'm no enemy of laughter, but she's annoying me tonight.
  
• Evie sees dead people. While strolling by a large Queens graveyard, she waved, laughed, and played blanket peek-a-boo with someone who wasn't there. Alina said "there's a big scary man".
  
• I love that the Carney selling fried Twinkies has a bluetooth headset.
  
• I just met my 15-yr old sister's 18-yr old boyfriend. Visions of homicide dance in my head.
• 200 wine tastings later and I am expected to be able to pronounce Viognier? Bite me.
  
• Just put Baby Orajel on the infant's toothbrush instead of toothpaste. Whoops! Good n numb now! My name is Tha Tha tonight.
  
• Latest Pet Peeve - Getting your hair cut in a place where everyone goes by cutesie nicknames. You're not a stripper, Magenta!
  
• Dora the Explorer sells perfume. Bitch.
  
• Note to self: $12 pants will last about as many days as dollars spent on them.
  
• Fairly certain that folding toddler & infant laundry is my least favorite chore in the universe. Little. Tiny. Piles. Everywhere.
  
• Using an electric razor while driving in morning traffic is legal, right?
  
• If you were born in 1991, you can buy cigarettes. If you were born in 1992, I can totally buy them for you.
  
• Morning spent spouting phrases like "necklaces don't belong in the refrigerator!"
  
• Learning that Creativity, like a muscle, will wither if not routinely exercised. . See?!
  
• Awww! Did the big bad lightning keep my fellow NYers deprived of sleep? Welcome to my world, bitches :)
  
• Maybe if I make a mix tape for the economy, she'll come back to me.
  
• Really loving this slow paced Italian wine and food thing, but don't they know this baby sitter is charging $15/hr? Sheesh!
• Told my wife I didn't think she was very creative. She thought I said she looked pretty. I went with it.
• Summer Friday. Home. Raining. I see a couch fort in my future. Hey kids, make your own! This one's mine!
  
• Really ready to redeem my night-out-with-friends coupon tonight.
  
• Tyrone, Pablo, Tasha, and Uniqua get way more screen time than Austin. The Backyardigans are totally racist, man.
  
• Wife Conditioning Proof Alpha: I can now wrap birthday presents with Christmas wrapping paper.
  
• Lets be clear. If you get a candle or lotion as a gift, that person does not know you.
  
• A Neo-Nazi organization is participating in the adopt-a-highway program. The state had to oblige but now plans to rename the road the Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel Highway.
  
• Only two types of people are at the laundromat at 7:30AM - parents of pukey kids and murderers cleaning their sheets.
• Fuck fire walking. Try going barefoot over Lego in the dark - and you're not allowed to scream.
  
• On hold music is the William Tell Overture. This composer had a serious cocaine problem.
• Items in garbage: Pickles Mustard Diapers Garlic Asparagus Raw Meat. I don't condone chemical weaponry but someone drop this on our enemies.
  
• Billboard : Music :: World Series : World
  
• Would an example of pedophile profiling be pulling the guy out of line with glasses and a mustache? Maybe he has a van with no windows?
  
• The church annex across the street is using a circular saw at 9pm. I'm making my toddler yell "STOP IT, JESUS!" out the window.
  
• Little disappointed I'm getting laid off on June 30th. But, discovering that (+Unemployment) - (Daycare Costs for 2 kids) = only a minor dent in the family wallet. Mister Mom, here I come!