Dutch Country

We went to Lancaster, PA over the weekend. Some of Katrina's co-workers had recommended this place out there called Dutch Wonderland. It's an amusement park that's geared more towards little kids. Not many big rides here. And there's a water park there as well.

In an attempt to break up the drive, we stopped over at my mother's in western NJ. What we didn't realize, was that the lack of major north/south interstate made the trip even longer by doing that. 60 miles on state routes alone. Oh look, Corn! Arby's! A Church! Rinse. Repeat.

We stayed at a place that was also recommended by Katrina's co-workers, Willow Valley Resort. In fact, we pushed this excursion to August when reservations were available. This place had grounds. Pond, animals, golf, playground, an indoor water park, and a corn maze. We never got around to the latter. And, in case you were in the mood, there was a full Victorian Chapel on site. It seemed to befit the region. This was Amish country after all. But don't expect to sleep in on Sunday with those bells tolling away. I've never been less afraid of leftover bodily fluids in a hotel room in my life. Maybe you'd find an old PB&J stain on the carpet. Between all the kids and the God-ness of it all, no one gets laid here. There's a restaurant on site which wasn't too bad. When we went up to the host, they asked if we wanted the "Menu or the Smörgåsbord". At first we opted for the menu on general principles, picturing fried mayonnaise balls with gravy at said Smörgåsbord. But it turns out they also had broiled fish, so it wasn't all banjos, moonshine, and other preconceptions. There was fried fruit, however, and a porky lump called Scrapple.

We mostly wanted to stay because of the indoor water playground, in case of rain. Alina doesn't like having water poured on her head, but prefers to swat at it when it comes out of the ground. So we had to choose our water playground spots accordingly. Since there were so many children, we would have to, like at the Dutch Wonderland water park, stake out a spot and just stay there. Then, hope some bigger kid doesn't come along and knock your kid out of the way. But Alina got braver as the weekend progressed. She went down mini waterslides by herself and also would jump into the pool if we were standing under her, ready for the catch. The bottom of the slides had sponges, instead of water. Like I said, geared towards little kids.

With the weather hitting the mid-90s on both days, any place to dunk our heads was appreciated. Unfortunately, Alina's favorite ride at Dutch Wonderland was the 5-story slide you'd ride down in burlap sacks. So we took turns panting up those stairs, then eke out a tired sweaty weeeeeee. Alina rode some things by herself, mostly because there was no way we'd fit into it. She measures up at about 34" so she couldn't get on everything, but almost. The water park area was the wettest place on earth. Water shooting, falling, or being shot at you from every angle. It was water chaos. No one was safe. But it was hot, so it didn't really matter. Alina was the only one wearing a bathing suit that covered her arms and legs. She had a hat and water shoes as well. So we're either great parents or paranoid ones. But it seemed like Alina was the only one running around who was 18 months old. So maybe the real paranoid parents are the ones who didn't even show up? Yeah!

On our way out to see Amish country, Alina decided to throw up her breakfast in her carseat. In hindsight, she really ate a lot. We were too busy being impressed with her appetite for whole strawberries, yogurt, and a full bottle of milk to think that she was overdoing it. We pulled over in this field and took her out of the car while still in the seat. Luckily we had some hotel towels in the car. I was coughing because I had sucked back a Triscuit the wrong way and my hacking had alerted the woman living in the house next to the field. She gave Katrina some jugs of water to clean the carseat and offered up her bathtub because she saw our license plates and remarked, "Wow, you have a long way home." So, Alina got an impromptu clawfoot bath in a stranger's house. The stranger turned out to be a mother of four girls and was super nice. She even gave us some ginger-ale, extra water, a towel to cover the wet carseat, and some crackers. Conversely, when we were driving home through Manhattan, some little shit wouldn't open up his Starbucks so we could get warm milk for a very cranky toddler who braved a 5-hour ride in a stinky seat. It was supposed to be 3 hours, but they decided to close all the lanes on I-78.

Boy, the Amish have changed since the 80s. I lived in Lancaster for a few months after leaving Manhattan as a kid. This one place, pretending to be Amish central, replete with a store, restaurant, buggy rides etc., had a movie theater that said "The Amish Multimedia Experience!" Huh?? Oxymoron! And we saw Amish using rollerblades! The first time was two kids being dragged behind a horse and buggy with their parents driving. The second time was a guy skating solo. I guess they've found a loophole in the Old Order. They can't have cars or buttons on their clothes, but they can 'blade. Could satellite television be far behind?